When my own life has gone through earthquakes — a breakup, a move across the country, grief, health scares — the first thing that usually shatters is my sense of who I am sexually. Desires that once felt obvious suddenly vanish. Fantasies go quiet. The body feels like a stranger. If any of this sounds familiar, you’re not broken; you’re in transition. And transitions, however brutal, are also invitations to rediscover yourself.
Major life changes — divorce, childbirth, gender transition, illness, menopause or andropause, coming out, even a big career shift — often scramble our sexual identity. What used to turn us on doesn’t quite hit the same. Roles in the bedroom feel out of date. Sometimes the libido simply disappears, and that absence can feel scary.
In this article, I want to walk you through how I approach this process, both personally and with the people I interview and work with: not as a “fixing” mission, but as a curious, compassionate rediscovery.
Understanding Why Life Changes Shake Your Sexual Self
I used to think sexual identity was like eye color: more or less fixed. Then life kept proving me wrong. Major transitions affect sexuality because they touch almost every layer of who we are:
- Body changes: Hormones shift, weight changes, scars appear, energy levels rise or fall. The sensations we feel — and how we feel about those sensations — can change dramatically.
- Roles and responsibilities: Becoming a parent, caring for an aging relative, getting promoted, retiring — all of these redefine who we are in relation to others, which often bleeds into how we experience desire.
- Beliefs and values: Coming out, deconstructing religious upbringing, or simply maturing can shift what we feel allowed to want or act on.
- Safety and nervous system: After trauma, loss, or burnout, the body often prioritizes survival over pleasure. It’s hard to feel sexy when your nervous system is on high alert.
When you see these forces clearly, it becomes easier to stop blaming yourself for “not being sexual enough” and start treating this period as a reorientation rather than a failure.
Letting Go of Your “Old” Sexual Self
One of the hardest steps, at least for me, has been grieving the sexual self I thought I’d always be. Maybe you used to feel spontaneous and insatiable, and now you’re careful, slow, and easily distracted. Maybe you used to be heavily submissive or dominant and that no longer fits your emotional world. Maybe you’ve realized your orientation or gender isn’t what you thought.
It helps to name what you’re letting go of:
- The script of who you were “supposed” to be sexually.
- Old benchmarks of “healthy” libido or performance.
- The need for your desires to stay the same over time.
Sometimes I literally write a goodbye letter to the version of my sexual self that’s fading. It sounds melodramatic, but it creates space: space for new desires, new forms of connection, new ways of being in my own body.
Starting With the Body You Have Now
Rediscovering sexual identity after a major life shift starts in the simplest and often most uncomfortable place: this body, right now. Not the body you had ten years ago, not the one you wish you had, but the one you wake up in.
A few practices I return to again and again:
- Neutral body check-ins: Instead of judging, I describe. “My belly feels heavy. My chest feels tight. My throat is warm. My genitals feel numb/tingly/relaxed.” This moves me out of criticism and into curiosity.
- Non-sexual touch first: Before chasing arousal, I focus on comfort. Self-massage, stroking my arms, holding my own face, a warm bath. Rebuilding trust with my body often has to precede any sexual exploration.
- Re-mapping pleasure: After illness or hormonal changes, the “pleasure map” can literally shift. I experiment with very gentle touch across my body — scalp, ears, neck, thighs, hips — noticing what feels okay, what feels good, what feels like a “no.”
This kind of slow, sensation-based approach can be boring if you’re used to quick, high-intensity sexuality. But it’s like rehab after an injury: you’re teaching your nervous system that this new you, in this new phase, is capable of feeling good again.
Questioning the Stories You Inherited About Sex
Whenever someone tells me they’ve “lost” their sexual identity, I get curious about whose script they were following in the first place. After a big life change, the old stories start to crack:
- “Real men always want sex.”
- “Good mothers don’t masturbate.”
- “Long-term couples should naturally know each other’s bodies.”
- “If I’m queer now, everything I lived before was fake.”
I’ve carried versions of these beliefs myself, and they made every shift feel like a personal failure. When I started asking, “Says who?” something opened up. I realized I could write a new narrative that fit the person I’m becoming, not the person I was told to be.
Try this: list three “rules” you were taught about sex, relationships, or gender. Then, next to each, write whether it still fits you after what you’ve lived through. If it doesn’t, you have permission to retire it.
Exploring Desire From Scratch
Major change can strip desire down to the studs. That can feel terrifying — or oddly liberating. When my own libido has gone offline after stress or heartbreak, I’ve used that blankness as a starting point instead of a verdict.
Here’s how I explore from scratch:
- Low-pressure curiosity: I browse erotica, audio porn, fan fiction, or sensual films with zero goal of getting turned on. I just watch my reactions. What images annoy me? Which ones feel surprisingly tender or intriguing?
- Fantasy journaling: I free-write about any scenario that gives me a micro-shiver of interest, even if it’s confusing or not something I actually want to do. Fantasy is a sandbox, not a to-do list.
- Energy over labels: Instead of asking, “Am I into men/women/non-binary people/BDSM/vanilla sex?” I ask, “What kind of energy pulls me in right now? Gentle? Rough? Worshipful? Playful? Equal?”
Sometimes the results are surprising. I’ve watched people move from decades of heterosexual marriage into queer relationships, or from very kinky identities into much softer, sensory-focused ones, simply because they allowed themselves to start from what’s true now rather than what used to be.
If You’re in a Relationship: Bringing Your Partner Into the Process
Rediscovering sexual identity while partnered can feel especially loaded. You’re not only dealing with your own confusion, but also with their fears: “Am I still wanted? Are you leaving me? What if our desires no longer match?”
When I talk with couples in this situation, a few principles make all the difference:
- Name the season: Instead of “Our sex life is broken,” I like phrases like, “We’re in a transition season,” or, “My sexuality is changing, and I want to explore it with you, if you’re willing.”
- Separate love from arousal: You can deeply love someone and still not know what turns you on right now. Saying so explicitly can help: “My attraction to you isn’t the problem; my understanding of myself is evolving.”
- Experiment outside intercourse: Cuddling, massage, mutual masturbation, making out, shared baths, sexy conversations — all of these can be laboratories for discovery without the pressure to “perform” the way you used to.
If you and your partner are hitting the same painful conversations on repeat, a sex therapist or couples therapist who’s sex-positive can be invaluable. There is no prize for doing this alone.
Navigating Shame, Fear, and Grief
Whenever identity shifts, difficult emotions surface. I’ve felt shame for not wanting what I “should.” I’ve felt fear that no one would desire the new version of me. I’ve grieved for the body and libido I once had.
A few things that help me and the people I speak with:
- Normalize change: No other part of us is expected to stay identical over decades — not our tastes in music, not our politics, not our friendships. Why should sexuality be frozen in time?
- Community stories: Reading and listening to other people’s experiences — especially around menopause, coming out later in life, living with disability, or transitioning gender — can dissolve the sense of being the only one.
- Professional support: Sex therapists, pelvic floor specialists, LGBTQIA+ support groups, chronic illness communities — sometimes you need knowledgeable witnesses who understand both the physical and emotional layers.
There’s no shortcut through these feelings, but they’re easier to carry when they’re spoken instead of hidden.
Creating a Living, Breathing Sexual Identity
Over time, I’ve stopped thinking of sexual identity as a fixed label and started treating it like a living document — something that can be updated as I grow. After a major life change, that document might be mostly blank. That’s okay.
You might jot down:
- What feels good in your body right now, even if it’s small or subtle.
- What kinds of connection feel nourishing: playful, romantic, kinky, spiritual, intellectual.
- How you want to be touched, spoken to, looked at.
- What you definitely don’t want anymore — boundaries are part of identity, too.
This isn’t a contract; it’s a snapshot. As you heal, experiment, and live, you can revisit and revise it. That act alone — choosing to update your own story instead of waiting for someone else to define you — is a powerful reclaiming of sexual selfhood.
If you’re standing in the rubble of a life you no longer recognize, your sexual identity might feel like just one more thing you’ve lost. But it’s not gone; it’s in flux. Under the grief, under the fear, there is still a body capable of sensation, a mind capable of fantasy, and a heart capable of connection. Those are the raw materials. The rest, you get to rediscover — on your own terms, in your own time.